The Girl Who Said No To Normal

This year is going to be the best of my life I think.
I've got a whole new group of friends who make my life worth living.
They make me laugh and make me feel wanted.

It was my friend's birthday last night, so without his parents permission he had a house party. It was so good and I was with a great group of people. Then the drink started to flow. I won't go into detail because it was a bit upsetting.

I'm in love but this time, I'm being loved in return. He completes me and makes me feel special. He's got the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen. He makes me knees go weak, and I'm being serious this time. It's not some silly cliche, I actually feel weak looking at him. He's so amazing I really can't put him into words.

The weather has been so good these past few weeks so I've been out most days in shorts and tank tops. It's been beautiful. My life is beautiful.

Jade Goody died today, I don't care really. I didn't like her before she became ill, so why be two faced? Nobody else recieved care and attention like she did. I wish her sons happiness and feel terrible for her husband, but for her, I can't say anything too bad otherwise people might complain.

Wow I haven't written in so long.
I'm not as intelligent now.
But I've learnt alot in the past four months though.
Once again I'm in love, but this time I'm actually in a relationship.
My head is so messed up but most things are falling into place now.
I've realised I am a nice person and people do like me.
I'm more mature and I'm making adult decisions which maybe I should wait for.
I'm going to knuckle down soon, I just need a big push.
I thought none of my friends cared about me, and alot of the time I still feel like that really.
But my friends, un like my best friends, are becoming best friends.
Life's like a puzzle.
Right now it's pretty much all in the right slots, I'm not putting the wrong pieces into the wrong holes.

I will take you down
Finger by finger
I will shake you until your pockets are empty, and your secrets on the floor
I will put you in a bag and throw you from a cliff
I will make you small
I will condense you
I will shove you into a corner
and cover you in a blanket
I will box around you
Build it as a wall to surrond you
So you can't see the light
I will push you down
But as long as I can come with you, I don't think you'll care

I took the ribbon, the tie of our lives
Crossed it over, under and back round again
Pulled it tight and it bounced
A perfect red ribbon to signify the perfect unity

Ties are undone, or they loosen themselves
You can tie it back up, really tight
But eventually, the ribbon will recoil
And once again it'll be one piece of string

Well off we go
Down memory lane
Walking step by step
Ourselves so sane
In you come into my life
And go out like a light
My feelings so hurt
And I cry into the night
Solving a problem
In the quickest way
To looking in the mirror
Respectfully each day

Trying so hard to tell them to forget
When really I can't inside
I'm trying to stay strong
But I'm empty inside

Life's too short to wait around
Waiting for something that isn't there
Hoping one day it will call me near
To where it speaks to me, if it even bothers at all
My friend is gone
Away to Australia
Didn't think it would be this hard to say good bye
Then again it hasn't sunk in completely yet really
Still feels like he's coming in town with us this weekend
That he'll be out after school next week
It's shown me that one moment someones there
The next their turning to leave
I'll see you again when you come over for your holiday
But until then, I'll think of you
Friend forever, I swear it

I opened up my curtains and the sun hit me in the face like a giant bubble bath.
I squinted as I took in the scenary of my back-garden.
Music played softly in the background
Michael Jackson's Billie Jean
Colbie Callait's Realize
People always say that love songs spell out just what their thinking
But I haven't found one yet that explains me
I've always thought of writing my own love songs, but I can't rhyme
Like when I try to write my own stories, it's so boring and structured like marble statues
Personality shall not shine through this time
Poetry, now that's a way to express yourself
The words just flow from my fingertips, and I don't even know their coming until their down on the page infront of me
I'm not perfect, and anyone who says they dont wish they were, are liars

I thought to myself the other day, would I rather see all my friends happy, and fufilled, and myself miserable than myself completed and them miserable?

I'd rather be the miserable one, the one who nobody get's
I get me, and I think you do too

Sticks and Stones may break my bones ;

But your worlds did actually hurt me

Sky like someone stood on an orange paint tube
Seas like a blue fairy liquid tab
And the grass like liquorice, the green kind

Most people say that they never knew what love was
Until they had met their special someone
And trust me, I thought exactly the same
Probably because I was blinded
Because when your me, you hold onto love for as long as you can
And I know that this is a one off chance
When really I should take off the training wheels of my life
And be free to fly
Up in the sky
With birds so high
But I shall sit
At this keyboard of mine
And type the words I long to say
Because deep in my heart
And day by day
These words decay
And grow cobwebs and get rusty
For I shall stay silent for all of time
Except to you
My dearest friends
The people who understand what goes on inside my head
And the people who have once slept in my bed
And stayed up all night
Talking about things which made us laugh
Made us cry
And made us think about what were doing here
Yet these people I keep such deep deep secrets away
Only the be said
Inside my head

Do you remember those nights when we would talk for hours and hours on msn?
About silly things but were still really important all the same
And we would talk until the house was quiet
And the taps stopped running
We would talk into the night and early into the morning
About our future, our past
What made us 'us'
And my toes would tingle
And my heart would sing
Because the words I longed to say
Where trapped deep inside
This beating heart as cold as ice
I'd have to go and get to bed
To rest my mind on what you had said
And in my head it would replay all night
And as you lay inside your bed we were united for that split second
A second that turnt to a minute
To an hour
To forever

Tears shine on my face
Tissues shelter my body in this dark place
Love songs play my life over and over
Envelope myself in a quilt for cover
The shame I have brung
The songs I have sung
The lessons I have learnt
The ways I've been burnt
The lies I have been sold
The truths I have been told
The suns I saw set
The hurt that I shall not let
Hurt me all over again
Because I'm better than you
I'm over you
You had my heart in your hands
And grinded it into the sands
That is my world, that is my light
And now here I am in this night
Ashamed and alone
In my own home
But you are to blame
For bringing me into this game
For not telling me the rules
And for this, I'm such a fool

Those feelings for you have now returned. Those butterflies in my stomache have returned everytime you look at me with those big innocent eyes, wide with wonder and beauty. The way you look like a scruff with your un-brushed brown hair and your untied shoelaces tucked into your Rockports. It's the things like this which make me love you more and more each day and the things which replay in my head like a DVD. Your still with her, yeah that's cool. I never said this would be a long term thing. But I'll give you two weeks before it's over. You say you miss me, our long night time conversations about random things, but that mean so much and are so special. The way you type sounds like how you talk and it's almost like your next to me again. You sit behind me in history. You choose to. I sat with my friend in the second row, you sat at the fourth with your friends. You moved, and sat behind me. That means something to me, so be careful. Then your foot started to harass my back, which was comforting funnily enough. When I say harass I don't mean it. I would squirm when your foot attempted to un-do my bra strap, and all you said was 'Chill, chill' in a soft voice which makes me feel good all over, like chicken soup times two. All lesson. I loved it, I really really did. You said you would sit next to me on Monday, our next history lesson. You meant it. Were falling into how we once were. Don't be afraid, it'll be okay. I'm so scared to lose you, but I know I won't because let's face facts babe, we were actually made for each other. And we've had obsticles placed infront of us, but their just tests to see if were strong enough for this kind of thing. Are you ready for this whirl wind ride called life? I am. I've been ready for this moment for a long time now. I'm prepared for the pain, the lies. I know how you play your game. I know how the story of us is supposed to pan out and I'm ready for this.

Hold on tight my beautiful boy, you've got me next to you every step of the way and I can promise you, I'll never let go.

It's like I'm used to it
What with friends like mine, I'm basically invisible
Finishing second, not so bad
But when it's a constant thing

It's like my feelings don't matter, but then again how are they meant to know? Another sad pathetic post based on how boys are effecting my life, but it's hard.

It's hard to see every boy I have feelings for, toss me aside, for one of my best friends. And I become the friend, the girl who makes them laugh. Always the friend, nothing more. Is it too much to ask to be noticed? What does a girl have to do to be acknowledged nowadays?

But the thing is, when I saw you last night, in your funny I Heart NY top and your beautiful eyes, pursed lips which beg for me to kiss them. Your brown hair which I long to run my fingers through and think, wow this is actually happening.

And you hugged my friend, then me. But you hugged me for so much longer and I felt good in your arms, then again you could have been thinking how long is she going to hug me for?

I think I like you.

Fuck.

The way you spoke, it made me think that you cared. Like all those questions were a code for 'I love you, but you can never know' After living my life, I've realised that fairy tales are fake, dreams will always be just that, and the only miracles happen in Disney Films. I'm almost used to feeling like this, it's kind of like I'm expecting things to fuck up, and in a way, it's all down to you. No correction, it's all your fault I'm like this.

Then again you never knew how badly I would take this, and how damn hard it is to move on. And it dosen't help the fact that you took me back once before. Your happy with her, and that's what I said about your last game, oops I mean girlfriend. Look what happened there.

Maybe your mum never taught you to consider other peoples feelings. Maybe one day you'll be treated like this, and I fucking hope you do. Because what everyone who reads these things have probably realised that every fucking blog is revolved around you! Your a waste of imaginary paper, of invisible oxygen.

And a waste of my time.

I'm sat in the dark
Waiting for a spark
A burst of colour
Could this place be more duller?
With my face in my hands I look at the screen
All these swirly images, it's just like a dream
Another cheesey rhyme, yes I know
But hey, your still reading this, can't be that bad or else you'd go.

It's been some time since we spoke, properly I mean.
You've been busy with your new girlfriend.
And I say that I'm happy for you
It's not really a lie, I don't feel anything when the subject is brought up.
Have I moved on?
I can't tell, but I know I will
I've done it before

I recieved my SAT results on Friday.

6-Maths
High 6- Science, I reckon I was only a few of a 7

And in English, I came top in my whole year.

And considering it was only my year that took the exam, that's pretty damn good.

This is the last time, I give up this heart of mine.

I must admit, I did hurt for sometime. I'm not over it totally, even though I tell people I am. I know it's wrong to lie about these sort of things, but as long as nobody else knows that its a lie, it's not hurting anyone really. Well is it hurting me? In some strange way it's not, but what can I say? I don't mind lying to myself really, it just dulls the pain. And as I read over this blog, I realise it's been pretty much devoted to you, and when I die, if I still know you, I'm going to show you this blog. So you understand why I did what I did. And yeah you may think I'm wierd and pathetic. But it's my blog, it's my life.

I'm not being told what to do by anybody. I'm my own person. It's my desicion to write about you. I'm not breaking any laws am I?

It is pretty sad that I have nothing better to write about than you. I can't believe I'm wasting my typing time, writing about someone who did those things to me. I suppose I want people to see my pain. I want others to know how I feel. Because I would never dream of telling anyone about my true feelings, so in a way, your like my best friend. The person I can tell everything, without shame. I'm alone in this world. I'm not bothered, because I only need me, this laptop and music to get me through.

I don't need him, or any other boy to make me complete. I'm already that, I'm already whole. I must say, this blog is rather good, not meaning to blow my own horn, but I'm proud of myself.

I don't need to write this blog anymore. It was only to admit things, and now I have nothing to admit, so what is there left to do? It's time to say goodbye, it's not forever. Just for now. Thanks for keeping my sane, these past few months. Thanks for listening to all my whines and moans. Thanks for understanding what it's like to be me. And thanks to all those who have been reading this blog, those who have been with me. Those who have given encouraging comments. You've all helped me be someone I am proud to be, someone I am proud to call myself.

And now it's time to stop this rambling, because that's what it is. That's what my whole life is about. One big ramble. I'll be back some day, to tell you whats been happening and where I am now.

So this is my final blog, for the time being. Keep writing all of you, never give up.

"If your chasing something, you never give up, until you've caught it"

S.

I was payed to do this, I'm not sad enough to spend my time writing about chav scum, unless there's money involved.

The Chav Dictionary

Hello: Orite Bay/Ite/Aight
GoodBye: Fook Off
Yes: Yer Meht/ Innit
No: Nah Meht
I Agree: Innit
I Disagree: You startin'!
I find you attractive: You is well fit innit?
I do not find you attractive: Fak off ya munter/ You is mingin meht
Could I borrow a cigerate: Meht, giv us a fag bruv/ Oi mate, got any fags innit?

I do not like you: Fuck off bellend/ Fuck off ya queer/ Fuck off/ Let's av it ryt ere init?
We are friends: Aright bruv
I do not have any money: Nah meht i is skint like/ Giv us the fooking money or im a smash ya face innit?

That is good/ amusing: That's class meht!/ Class!

I'll add some more when I come up with more

And just so you know, I don't actually talk like that.

Tears Can Be Clear.

As the sun rises
My eyes begin to open
A new day is starting
A new adventure about to begin

Surronded by nothing
Yet smothered in everything
Making sense is no life
Being normal is such a bore

Lies hurt people
Love ruins great things
Music heals the wounded
Books cures the sick

Your life is a book, filled with blank pages
Your writing in black ink
Mistakes cannot be erased
But can be learnt from

Take a page out of book
See why I do what I do
And why I have no reasons for the things I do
Undertand me when I say I Love You

Understand me when I say I Don't Love You
And undertand why everything I write in this god damn blog
It's all about one person
It's all about You

Just open your eyes to me
Take my advice
Walk away from it
And learn to fly

Have you any idea what it's like to give up something you love, something you truly enjoy? And not to have a choice about it? I do, trust me.

I'm a runner. My friends would call me horse, chant '5,000 horse power'. They'd cheer for me, as I overtook girl by girl. The wind blew my hair across my face, clapping me on. My eyes were fixed on what lay before me at all times. I was living the dream. I collapsed on the ground, grabbing out for water, gasping for air.

But the year after, it started getting harder. My feet would hurt and I'd twist my ankles everytime. I would fall back, I just couldn't catch up anymore. My back would ache for hours after. My knees gave me trouble too. And now I'm sat here, on Sports Day, when I should be running the 200m. We all know I should be.

You said something to me a few days ago. If your chasing something, you don't stop until you've caught it. And that's true.

Never give up, if you want something like I did, you'll understand why I write these posts.

I thought I'd be totally ecstatic about you and her finishing. And I have to admit I did smile and wave my arms about for a minute. But then I got on with what I was doing. I packed my case and got on that coach without a second glance. I thought about all those old love films where the girl gets on the plane, and then he comes running after her, telling her not to go. Considering I was going on a ferry and a coach, it seemed far fetched. And at times I was like, I'm worlds apart from you, and I don't mind. I thought love could reach all around the world, and now I realise something. It's over. Those times we snuggled on the sofa, went for walks and talks, chatted for hours and nothing. There memories, and ones I will always cherish, but memories can't be relived. Things resemble memories, but they too become memories. But I also understand that we can't go back, no matter how much I want to. Your no good for me, the sort of person you are. It's all about you, so long as your feelings are fine and dandy, it dosen't matter how many people you squash.

(18:29) Steph : and your a sad little boy who cares about himself, and nobody else, because as long as --- is happy and fine, and everyone around you is miserable and pissed off, the world is fine
(18:29) خالدحم: yup
(18:29) خالدحم: totally
(18:31) Steph : well I'm glad that we understand each other

That sums you up dosen't it?

Well tonight I'm going out with my friends, and there's going to be boys there. And I shall flirt and do what I like because my dear. Your nothing to me. A squashed fly on the windscreen of my life. But I do hope someday you learn to treat girls with respect. You'll be one of those players you see in American movies, the boy everyone wants. But the girls that have had him drool after him. Not me, I appreciate we had our times, and you did love me one time.

But I won't be made a fool of anymore, I'm not the girl that ----- ------ once loved and she can't handle it that he dosen't anymore.

I'm Me.

Trapped in this body, I just can't seem to escape.
Everyone around me, I call them fake.
This isn't the real them, this isn't the real me.
Just open the windows, I just wish for them to see.
What they could be, if they just let go.
For all seeing and all knowing, just let it flow.
Like I said, I am trapped, here for all to see.
I could just fly, I could just let it be.

S.

Kim : told in poetry its fun

Kim : talk*

Steph : okay you start

Kim : wat is life with no time to spare we have no time to stand and stare !

Steph : life is so hectic, leisure time is none. All this makes me want to turn around from all this, and just run.

Kim : when the hands of time wave and turn we have little time until we burn

Steph : for now is the time we realise who we trust. And the others who would rather see us turn to rust

Kim: frienship is like gold dust not just rich as money but to r hearts it is honey

Steph : keep your friends close, your enemies closer, the words which are spoken, by those wiser and older

Kim : because there r shadows learkin around every corner waitin to have wat u hold dear,wating until u show ur darkest fear

Steph : things in life will never change, we all ask questions, some of which are completely deranged

Kim: life is a hou glass wish moves to fast we have little time to ask

Kim : hour*

Steph : kim your rhyming is kinda good, but not like mine, cause im from the hood

Kim : well im desrated by the fact Rachel* is in a mood wid me at the mo

Steph : why ?

Kim : dunno she was ignoring me so i asked y

Kim: then she goes im not

Kim: then i said well y aint u talkin she goes to me

Kim : coz

Kim : then i say coz wat

Kim : she said may i dont wanna talk

Kim: then i go y be on msn then

Kim : she goes bye

Steph : fair enough lol

Kim : no its not fair enough i don ignor u she was bein in a rite mood

Kim : arrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

Steph : she'll be fine, back to rhyming

Kim: ok

Kim : me 1st

Steph : ok

Kim : well maybe ur good from da hood but ur also a hoe which as gotta go

Kim: (click)

Steph : get out off my face, your such a disgrace, acting like you own the place

Kim: shizzle ma dizzle wizzle

Steph : oh no you did not just go there, but anyway Kim, you have very cool hair

Kim : im ali g dont mess wid me g

Kim : thanks

Kim: y thanks i grew da hair me self

Steph : lol

Kim: dont go trippin and go on skippin

Kim: u think ur cool but im like ice ,squared like dice

Steph : I'll trip all I like, whereas you my friend, are a cheap stupid dyke

Steph : Oh yeah, I went there

Kim: u werent comlainin last night sweet juliett , or was it brigdet

Kim : when asked for more u hore

Steph : lol, i had to use dyke it was the only word I could think of

Steph : okay new topic instead of insults

Kim: kk so ..

Kim: why does a humming sit and wait for a mate which will never come

Kim: all because of where he comes from

Steph : humming, what the hell?

Kim : humming bird soz

Steph: lol righty

Steph : inside of me, is a voice which is silenced, but now it screams, it screams out for the thought of long lost dreams

Kim : reach out and grab the impossible for today is the chance of the chance of a better tommorow

Kim : streach ur wings and glide over hate and scowers of thousand eyes and fly across the vast skiea

Kim: skies*

Steph: And here I sit, and here I shall stay.
For the being of tomorrow, depends on today.

*- Names have been changed to protect Kim being challened in school =)

Everyone's changing and growing up.
But I feel like I'm being left behind.
I don't always have perfect hair, that's a definate.
I only wear masscara as I don't really need anything else.
I'm always left in the dust of others when it comes to fashion.
I generally take fashion advice from my Mum.
My friends are falling in love, whereas I'm just recovering.
I don't have a long string of boys who follow me wherever I go, they have better things to do.

So what am I going to do? Invest in some new clothes? Maybe try and work out how to perfect the art of eyeliner? Maybe I should mature a bit, like cheese?

Then again, I could stay how I am. And perhaps, just be me?

Inside me, there's a teeny tiny hole.
It used to be bigger, but it shrinks, this teeny tiny hole.
It was once as big as me, I was one big hole.
Empty was this hole.

I grew back, out of this big hole.
I grew big and strong from this hole.
Until one day, it was the size of a pea, this hole.
It's almost gone, the hole.

It's still there, inside me is this hole.
A constant reminder to not trust, is this hole.
One day, it will be microscopic, this hole.
Until one day, there's nothing left.

S.

I sit here, waiting for a revilation.
While the world is still filled with complications.

All these un answered questions, lie around on the floor.
Waiting to be answered, for some one to ask more.

Is God real?
What is the meaning of life?
How did we all get here?
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

We will never know the answer, no matter how deep we dig.
No matter what the question, no matter how big.

And here I sit, and here I shall stay.
For the being of tomorrow, depends on today.

S.

To be honest, I was a fool
To fall in love with a person like you.
You messed me around, told me countless lies.
And then left me here, waiting for this dream to die.

There was no reason, I suppose you thought it was funny.
But because of you, I lost all my confidence, sort of felt ugly.
And now here I am, waisting my time.
Writing these poems about you, trying to make every last word rhyme.

S.

Well nothing has happened today really. The new neighbours were doing some drilling yesterday, and it turns out they have cat, which is lucky because so do we. This could turn out to be a very good thing, man that sounds lame but I can't think of any other way of putting it really. But anyway, their from the country, and the eldest boys bedroom overlooks our garden. Which,oh crap. I've just realised that makes my room, next to his. And last night I was on the phone talking about how happy I was to have new neighbours, emphasising the fact that one of them was a boy. Well done Steph, you've already made a fool of yourself, and you have even met them yet. Nice work. Dad's organising a barbeque tomorrow, and because I am ever so polite and caring, I suggested inviting the new neighbours, because it's rude to be unsociable. Plus it's just darn ignorant. It's also a great oppurtunity to meet them. I'll let you know if anything developes from this.

S.

Well I'm here. Mum's left me and Chris, galavanting off to Norway. She's not like those mums you read about in Jacqueline Wilson books. She's caring and shares everything with me. And we all deserve a break from time to time. Chris has taken it suprisingly well. He's cried since she left, but he's always been clingy to her. Emma's at church doing wedding prep, so it's just me, Dad and Chris. Oh and I almost forgot. We have new neighbours. They arrived last week, but Chris only thought to tell me today. There's four of them. Husband, his wife and their two sons. Dad figures one is a year older than me, and the other a year younger than Chris. This could be interesting. Very interesting.

But I'm not going to be sad and pathetic, walk up and down the road, praying that their looking at me. But it is nice to have kids my age around this area for once. After like six years. I'll let you know if anything comes of this.

And now reading over this, I must say, I do feel utterly pathetic