The Girl Who Said No To Normal

This is the last time, I give up this heart of mine.

I must admit, I did hurt for sometime. I'm not over it totally, even though I tell people I am. I know it's wrong to lie about these sort of things, but as long as nobody else knows that its a lie, it's not hurting anyone really. Well is it hurting me? In some strange way it's not, but what can I say? I don't mind lying to myself really, it just dulls the pain. And as I read over this blog, I realise it's been pretty much devoted to you, and when I die, if I still know you, I'm going to show you this blog. So you understand why I did what I did. And yeah you may think I'm wierd and pathetic. But it's my blog, it's my life.

I'm not being told what to do by anybody. I'm my own person. It's my desicion to write about you. I'm not breaking any laws am I?

It is pretty sad that I have nothing better to write about than you. I can't believe I'm wasting my typing time, writing about someone who did those things to me. I suppose I want people to see my pain. I want others to know how I feel. Because I would never dream of telling anyone about my true feelings, so in a way, your like my best friend. The person I can tell everything, without shame. I'm alone in this world. I'm not bothered, because I only need me, this laptop and music to get me through.

I don't need him, or any other boy to make me complete. I'm already that, I'm already whole. I must say, this blog is rather good, not meaning to blow my own horn, but I'm proud of myself.

I don't need to write this blog anymore. It was only to admit things, and now I have nothing to admit, so what is there left to do? It's time to say goodbye, it's not forever. Just for now. Thanks for keeping my sane, these past few months. Thanks for listening to all my whines and moans. Thanks for understanding what it's like to be me. And thanks to all those who have been reading this blog, those who have been with me. Those who have given encouraging comments. You've all helped me be someone I am proud to be, someone I am proud to call myself.

And now it's time to stop this rambling, because that's what it is. That's what my whole life is about. One big ramble. I'll be back some day, to tell you whats been happening and where I am now.

So this is my final blog, for the time being. Keep writing all of you, never give up.

"If your chasing something, you never give up, until you've caught it"

S.

I was payed to do this, I'm not sad enough to spend my time writing about chav scum, unless there's money involved.

The Chav Dictionary

Hello: Orite Bay/Ite/Aight
GoodBye: Fook Off
Yes: Yer Meht/ Innit
No: Nah Meht
I Agree: Innit
I Disagree: You startin'!
I find you attractive: You is well fit innit?
I do not find you attractive: Fak off ya munter/ You is mingin meht
Could I borrow a cigerate: Meht, giv us a fag bruv/ Oi mate, got any fags innit?

I do not like you: Fuck off bellend/ Fuck off ya queer/ Fuck off/ Let's av it ryt ere init?
We are friends: Aright bruv
I do not have any money: Nah meht i is skint like/ Giv us the fooking money or im a smash ya face innit?

That is good/ amusing: That's class meht!/ Class!

I'll add some more when I come up with more

And just so you know, I don't actually talk like that.

Tears Can Be Clear.

As the sun rises
My eyes begin to open
A new day is starting
A new adventure about to begin

Surronded by nothing
Yet smothered in everything
Making sense is no life
Being normal is such a bore

Lies hurt people
Love ruins great things
Music heals the wounded
Books cures the sick

Your life is a book, filled with blank pages
Your writing in black ink
Mistakes cannot be erased
But can be learnt from

Take a page out of book
See why I do what I do
And why I have no reasons for the things I do
Undertand me when I say I Love You

Understand me when I say I Don't Love You
And undertand why everything I write in this god damn blog
It's all about one person
It's all about You

Just open your eyes to me
Take my advice
Walk away from it
And learn to fly

Have you any idea what it's like to give up something you love, something you truly enjoy? And not to have a choice about it? I do, trust me.

I'm a runner. My friends would call me horse, chant '5,000 horse power'. They'd cheer for me, as I overtook girl by girl. The wind blew my hair across my face, clapping me on. My eyes were fixed on what lay before me at all times. I was living the dream. I collapsed on the ground, grabbing out for water, gasping for air.

But the year after, it started getting harder. My feet would hurt and I'd twist my ankles everytime. I would fall back, I just couldn't catch up anymore. My back would ache for hours after. My knees gave me trouble too. And now I'm sat here, on Sports Day, when I should be running the 200m. We all know I should be.

You said something to me a few days ago. If your chasing something, you don't stop until you've caught it. And that's true.

Never give up, if you want something like I did, you'll understand why I write these posts.

I thought I'd be totally ecstatic about you and her finishing. And I have to admit I did smile and wave my arms about for a minute. But then I got on with what I was doing. I packed my case and got on that coach without a second glance. I thought about all those old love films where the girl gets on the plane, and then he comes running after her, telling her not to go. Considering I was going on a ferry and a coach, it seemed far fetched. And at times I was like, I'm worlds apart from you, and I don't mind. I thought love could reach all around the world, and now I realise something. It's over. Those times we snuggled on the sofa, went for walks and talks, chatted for hours and nothing. There memories, and ones I will always cherish, but memories can't be relived. Things resemble memories, but they too become memories. But I also understand that we can't go back, no matter how much I want to. Your no good for me, the sort of person you are. It's all about you, so long as your feelings are fine and dandy, it dosen't matter how many people you squash.

(18:29) Steph : and your a sad little boy who cares about himself, and nobody else, because as long as --- is happy and fine, and everyone around you is miserable and pissed off, the world is fine
(18:29) خالدحم: yup
(18:29) خالدحم: totally
(18:31) Steph : well I'm glad that we understand each other

That sums you up dosen't it?

Well tonight I'm going out with my friends, and there's going to be boys there. And I shall flirt and do what I like because my dear. Your nothing to me. A squashed fly on the windscreen of my life. But I do hope someday you learn to treat girls with respect. You'll be one of those players you see in American movies, the boy everyone wants. But the girls that have had him drool after him. Not me, I appreciate we had our times, and you did love me one time.

But I won't be made a fool of anymore, I'm not the girl that ----- ------ once loved and she can't handle it that he dosen't anymore.

I'm Me.

Trapped in this body, I just can't seem to escape.
Everyone around me, I call them fake.
This isn't the real them, this isn't the real me.
Just open the windows, I just wish for them to see.
What they could be, if they just let go.
For all seeing and all knowing, just let it flow.
Like I said, I am trapped, here for all to see.
I could just fly, I could just let it be.

S.

Kim : told in poetry its fun

Kim : talk*

Steph : okay you start

Kim : wat is life with no time to spare we have no time to stand and stare !

Steph : life is so hectic, leisure time is none. All this makes me want to turn around from all this, and just run.

Kim : when the hands of time wave and turn we have little time until we burn

Steph : for now is the time we realise who we trust. And the others who would rather see us turn to rust

Kim: frienship is like gold dust not just rich as money but to r hearts it is honey

Steph : keep your friends close, your enemies closer, the words which are spoken, by those wiser and older

Kim : because there r shadows learkin around every corner waitin to have wat u hold dear,wating until u show ur darkest fear

Steph : things in life will never change, we all ask questions, some of which are completely deranged

Kim: life is a hou glass wish moves to fast we have little time to ask

Kim : hour*

Steph : kim your rhyming is kinda good, but not like mine, cause im from the hood

Kim : well im desrated by the fact Rachel* is in a mood wid me at the mo

Steph : why ?

Kim : dunno she was ignoring me so i asked y

Kim: then she goes im not

Kim: then i said well y aint u talkin she goes to me

Kim : coz

Kim : then i say coz wat

Kim : she said may i dont wanna talk

Kim: then i go y be on msn then

Kim : she goes bye

Steph : fair enough lol

Kim : no its not fair enough i don ignor u she was bein in a rite mood

Kim : arrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

Steph : she'll be fine, back to rhyming

Kim: ok

Kim : me 1st

Steph : ok

Kim : well maybe ur good from da hood but ur also a hoe which as gotta go

Kim: (click)

Steph : get out off my face, your such a disgrace, acting like you own the place

Kim: shizzle ma dizzle wizzle

Steph : oh no you did not just go there, but anyway Kim, you have very cool hair

Kim : im ali g dont mess wid me g

Kim : thanks

Kim: y thanks i grew da hair me self

Steph : lol

Kim: dont go trippin and go on skippin

Kim: u think ur cool but im like ice ,squared like dice

Steph : I'll trip all I like, whereas you my friend, are a cheap stupid dyke

Steph : Oh yeah, I went there

Kim: u werent comlainin last night sweet juliett , or was it brigdet

Kim : when asked for more u hore

Steph : lol, i had to use dyke it was the only word I could think of

Steph : okay new topic instead of insults

Kim: kk so ..

Kim: why does a humming sit and wait for a mate which will never come

Kim: all because of where he comes from

Steph : humming, what the hell?

Kim : humming bird soz

Steph: lol righty

Steph : inside of me, is a voice which is silenced, but now it screams, it screams out for the thought of long lost dreams

Kim : reach out and grab the impossible for today is the chance of the chance of a better tommorow

Kim : streach ur wings and glide over hate and scowers of thousand eyes and fly across the vast skiea

Kim: skies*

Steph: And here I sit, and here I shall stay.
For the being of tomorrow, depends on today.

*- Names have been changed to protect Kim being challened in school =)

Everyone's changing and growing up.
But I feel like I'm being left behind.
I don't always have perfect hair, that's a definate.
I only wear masscara as I don't really need anything else.
I'm always left in the dust of others when it comes to fashion.
I generally take fashion advice from my Mum.
My friends are falling in love, whereas I'm just recovering.
I don't have a long string of boys who follow me wherever I go, they have better things to do.

So what am I going to do? Invest in some new clothes? Maybe try and work out how to perfect the art of eyeliner? Maybe I should mature a bit, like cheese?

Then again, I could stay how I am. And perhaps, just be me?

Inside me, there's a teeny tiny hole.
It used to be bigger, but it shrinks, this teeny tiny hole.
It was once as big as me, I was one big hole.
Empty was this hole.

I grew back, out of this big hole.
I grew big and strong from this hole.
Until one day, it was the size of a pea, this hole.
It's almost gone, the hole.

It's still there, inside me is this hole.
A constant reminder to not trust, is this hole.
One day, it will be microscopic, this hole.
Until one day, there's nothing left.

S.

I sit here, waiting for a revilation.
While the world is still filled with complications.

All these un answered questions, lie around on the floor.
Waiting to be answered, for some one to ask more.

Is God real?
What is the meaning of life?
How did we all get here?
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

We will never know the answer, no matter how deep we dig.
No matter what the question, no matter how big.

And here I sit, and here I shall stay.
For the being of tomorrow, depends on today.

S.